Saturday, November 10, 2007

I've got Jokes!

Are you ready to crack up?

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn’t help.

The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you.”

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.” The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…
An elderly man and his wife were dining at a restaurant. After the man received his food, he carefully cut his portion in half, and poured exactly half of his drink into another cup. He then gave these to his wife.
Their waitress noticed that the old lady was not eating her half and said, “That’s so sweet that you share the meal, but why aren’t you eating?”
The old lady replied, “I’m waiting for the teeth.”
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
She read that one child out of every four babies born was Chinese.
A blonde was given an opportunity to fly for the first time. Having never been on an airplane before, she was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat, and shouting, “Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!! Bo...”
She caused such a ruckus the pilot, all the way up in the cockpit, overheard. Annoyed by the goings-on, the pilot came out and shouted, “Be silent!”
There was pin-drop silence throughout the cabin as everybody looked at the blonde and the angry pilot.
The blonde stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and resumed shouting, ”OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....”
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Newfie.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.
“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Newfie, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.

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