Sunday, July 8, 2007

WARNING: Jokes with Cuss Words

WARNING: Jokes with Cuss Words in them

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of
the Lord".

The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".

The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".

The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks and a really mean and tough looking woman opens the door. Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horsesh**, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him, with a smirk, and says, "You want ketchup with that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "Because we just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:
"You're next."

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

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